


Unsteady

by Serenitybkworm



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2018-10-19 04:43:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10632453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serenitybkworm/pseuds/Serenitybkworm
Summary: Rogue One survive Scarif but still have to adjust to their new circumstances. For some this is easier than for others.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the bad summary. This is a work in progress and my first fic on this site(only the second I've not immediately thrown out) so bear with me. All mistakes are my own as I have no beta.

Jyn Erso had stopped wondering or thinking about what her life and future might be like when she was sixteen years old and abandoned by Saw, losing what little faith and hope she had managed to keep since the day her mother was murdered. She never believed she would be reunited with her father even for just a moment in time, essentially join the rebellion that had once left her behind, live to see the day that her own personal monster(Krennic) was defeated or that she would find another set of people she could one day consider her family, but it seemed to happen all the same. That's why when the cowards on the so called council refused to even try to fight, Jyn knew she could not give up and that she had to go to Scarif to get the Death Star plans if it was the last thing she ever did, which it likely would be. The Death Star had to be destroyed and she could never have lived with herself if she did nothing to stop it after her what happened to her father, Saw and all of Jedha.

One of Jyn's only regrets was that the others would die with her as well, Cassian's friends, Baze, Chirrut, Bodhi, Kaytoo and ... Cassian. Cassian who believed in her, trusted her and offered her a home that she desperately craved ,in spite of herself, even after she angrily and cruelly told him he was a liar and no better than a stormtrooper.

So when Cassian fell, Jyn knew her only option was to keep climbing and transmit the plans, she knew she had to cross the platform to realign the dish so that her father's, Cassian's and everyone else's lives and work would not ultimately be for nothing. So that Galen Erso, Cassian Andor, the rest of Rogue One and all of the rebels that came as their reinforcements death's would not be in vain. When Krennic found her before she had been able to send the fleet the plans, when he was preparing to shoot and kill her, her regret was that she had not been able to succeed in her mission not on her behalf but on Rogue One's and her father's though mainly on Cassian's. Because Cassian had lost everything like her but never gave up unlike her, he always had a purpose which she had only recently gotten.

Jyn fully expected to die because of Krennic like her mom that when she heard the shot she was shocked that she did not feel any more pain than she was already in. Seeing Cassian leaning up against a pillar blaster in hand with that small smile on his face, she could have sworn he was the most beautiful site she had ever seen. As Cassian stopped her from going back to finish Krennic off, Jyn didn't put up much of a fight because she realized that if she was going to die soon she wanted to spend the rest of her life side by side with Cassian nowhere near Krennic. She no longer needed him to die by her hands for all the things that he had done to her, her family and countless others because she had already won. Her mother had been right, Krennic was never going to win.

The elevator ride seemed to take an eternity to Jyn. Her only reason for not kissing Cassian then was not because she didn't want to(she wanted to very much), but because she did not want their first and likely only kiss to be bittersweet and heartbreaking. Though one could have said that the intensity of the peace and acceptance between them was more intimate than a kiss could ever hope to be. As they descended, Jyn had a brief hope that the others made it and were alive, even if she and Cassian would die there. A hope that is summarily dashed as they exit the Citadel to head towards the beach and see all the chaos and carnage of fire and destruction. 

On the beach, Cassian told her that her father would have been proud and they embraced waiting for death to come for them. Jyn and Cassian held on to each other as tightly as they could with as little space between them as they could possibly withstand. All the while wondering, if things could have been different, if in another universe they could have survived. Jyn's last thoughts were of a future with Cassian that wouldn't happen, imagining children who were a perfect mix of their parents and grandchildren they could have had and no war to fight as the horizon disappeared and they were surrounded in a blazing white light and then ...

Jyn woke up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again all mistakes are my own.

Jyn woke with a start, barely able to keep in the scream bubbling in her chest so as to not disturb her three bunkmates, two pilots and a technician. Unfortunately this was one of the extremely rare times when all four women happened to be on base at the same time. Knowing that she would get no more sleep despite the force forsaken time, Jyn got up and left the room to do the only thing she could to calm herself down. After her frequent nightmares, she would check to see that her family was still alive and well needing the reassurance to even begin to consider calming down. 

Baze and Chirrut were the easiest to check on because they could always be found together at night and they never locked the door to their private quarters. The door to the bunk Bodhi shared was also never locked but half of the time he would spend the night in his u-wing instead, which meant she had to check both most of the time. Kaytoo was a bit harder because he could be doing any number of things at any given time. That made him more difficult to find and, if he wasn't powered down, explain why she was awake and looking for him during the middle of the night. So most of the time, Jyn tried to catch glimpses of him without his knowledge to save a bit of her pride. (That, of course, rarely went her way, so Jyn and Kaytoo ended up coming to an agreement of sorts.) 

Cassian, on the other hand, was almost impossible to check in on during the middle of the night when she should have been asleep. He had private quarters because of his rank, the length of his service and his position in Rebel Intelligence. Since he was a spy, his door was never unlocked and slicing her way into his room via the keypad was out of the question. She learned that the hard way. The only time she had managed it, Cassian nearly shot her but at least he didn't remember what happened the next morning due to his extreme exhaustion. He also left base with Kaytoo frequently for missions. When it was possible to check on him, Jyn felt awkward making excuse after excuse to explain why she wasn't asleep. It was hard for her to evade or deflect his questions because she felt he knew her better than she knew herself at times(plus she had to try and hide how she felt which was also difficult for her) and she didn't really want to lie to him or tell him that she was getting next to no sleep. 

Since she still couldn't relax enough to rest or sleep, Jyn decided to do whatever work she could until it was closer to when she was supposed to go on duty. That included paperwork, simple or small ship repairs that were on various schedules in the hangar bay, as well as droid repair ranging from those in firefights to those that were not faring too well with Echo Base and Hoth's extreme cold. She always does these tasks until the hour is decent enough to "wake up" and get food. After that she goes to do her normal work, without letting her team know about her lack of sleep(or so she thinks). Jyn didn't want any of them to worry about her. 

Jyn could hardly remember the escape from Scarif or the weeks following. It was all a haze in her mind and she was not sure that she wanted it to be clear. There were times when she could hardly believe that the Death Star was destroyed, let alone that it had happened almost a year prior. For most of the last year, Jyn had been as fine as one could expect her to be. She hadn't had nearly as many nightmares as as she was having now, now that the anniversary of the Battle of Scarif was nearing. The closer it came, the more it loomed, the less sleep she was able to get. She did not know, could not remember, when the last time she got more than an one to three hours of sleep at a time.

Her nightmares came most nights, to the point she was almost scared to even try to sleep. If the dreams were not of Scarif they were of Jedha or Eadu or Lah'mu. To Jyn it seemed as if her demons would not let her go, she was afraid that she was going to make a mistake and that someone would notice and leave her behind again. She thought that how she was feeling and what was happening to her made her weak and that she needed to be strong like she did with Saw. Even though she knew that these sentiments were ridiculous, that Cassian and the others would never let it happen and that she could be vulnerable with people now, Jyn was too sleep deprived and had too many abandonment issues to fully accept it.

The thing that did not register for Jyn was that she did not hide her predicament as well as she thought she did. Baze,Chirrut, Bodhi and many others around base knew that she was not okay and that she was not getting anywhere near enough sleep. They were all worried that she would get sick, hurt or worse and they knew that they could not ask her about it because Jyn would put her defenses all the way back up. Even Kaytoo, who liked to act as though he disliked her even though he did, was worried that Jyn was causing or going to cause herself harm, intentionally or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome. Also I have an idea for one of Jyn's bunkmates but it you have a suggestion for the other's feel free to send it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again all mistakes are my own. I hope this addresses any questions or concerns anyone had about chapter 2 or at least starts to.

Cassian Andor considered himself a fairly good judge of people and their behavior's. He knew how to read people and was very good at it, otherwise he would not have been half as good of an intelligence officer as he was. With Jyn though, Cassian seems to read her wrong just as much as he reads her right, at least it seems that way lately. Although that might have to do with the fact that he's kept her arm's distance and pushed her away from his heart since not long after he woke up in Yavin 4's medbay. In truth, he did it because he thought that he couldn't be one hundred percent committed and devoted to the Rebellion(and he felt he had to) nor do his job to the best of his abilities anymore if he let her in(which was totally idiotic).

So Cassian led Jyn to believe that he wasn't already head over heels in love with her. He made her think that he saw her no more than as a friend or a sister, which was a terrible lie but she accepted it. Doing this was by no means an easy feat but Cassian managed it with only small amonts of trouble. This was because he was trying to subtly avoid her a bit, not spending most of his free time with her(and definitely not alone with her) and going on as many missions as he possibly could without burning out or overdoing it. So the trouble mainly came from the late night conversations that they have had a couple of times, conversations that are a bit more honest, or that are(or turn) awkward and weird on both sides(for completely different reasons).

While Baze, Bodhi and Chirrut picked up on Jyn's odd new behavior, Cassian did not see it nearly as much. It was because he was lying to himself and everybody else about his feelings, as well as trying(and overdoing it) to treat her like she was one of the guys, his sister or someone else that he was not infatuated with. The only people on Hoth that were fooled by Cassian's act was Jyn herself and maybe Cassian to a certain extent(mainly because he was attempting to convince himself his lies were the truth). Everyone else, on the other hand, thought they were already together. The few that didn't concluded that it was only a matter of time until they were, making Jyn pretty much off limits and if anyone needed to talk to her, had an issue with her or were worried about her they all went straight to Cassian first. 

"Captain, do you know what's wrong with Sergeant Erso?", one of Jyn's bunkmates(a pilot from Green Squadron), Shara Bey asked.

"What do you mean, Lieutenant?", Cassian replied slightly confused.

"Well sir, she looks like she lost a fight with a wampa and like she hasn't slept in force knows how long."

"I don't know what's wrong, but I can talk to her and ask her."

"Okay, thank you Captain Andor."

Not long after that more techicians, pilots, soldiers and new recruits alike inquired about what was going on with Jyn(wishing her well if she was sick, offering their help if it was needed or wanted, among other things). Cassian's confusion about it all was only growing larger and larger. He had not seen that much of a difference in her, although that could have been due to the fact that he forced himself to pay less attention to her than he really wanted to. After about the dozenth person, Cassian was well on his way to being extremely annoyed, because of people's vagueness in their questioning and he hadn't had any caf yet(he needed it badly, he wasn't much of a morning person without it). When he finally got to the mess hall, he grabbed his caf and breakfast, then sat down with Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut.

"Hello Captain. How are you faring this morning?"

"Fine. How are you, Chirrut?"

"I am well, though I sense that you are not being entirely honest. But you will tell us on your own soon."

"What is that supposed to mean? I won't ask how you can sense anything because I know that your answer will be the force."

"It means that you're obviously annoyed and you might as well tell us why now before this fool drags it out of you."

"What?"

"I get that you haven't had your caf yet, but please save us all the pain and spit it out already, Cassian. You know that Chirrut isn't just going to let you be annoyed with no explanation."

"Okay Bodhi. Everyone keeps asking me about Jyn and what's wrong with her. I don't get why."

"Oh. I get that it isn't good and all but no one has been hurt. If she or anyone else had we would have done something more about it already, said something to her. Right guys?", Bodhi rambled on a bit as Chirrut nodded and Baze grunted his ascent.

"Bodhi, what are you talking about? I haven't really noticed anything wrong with Jyn."

"Really?! How have you not noticed? How has he not noticed? Seriously Cassian, it's kinda hard to miss.", Bodhi exclaimed incredulously, looking to all of his teammates. 

"How about you just tell me what's going on then, Bodhi?"

"I just don't get how you of all people haven't noticed."

"Me of all people?"

"Well aren't you two together together yet?"

"What! No! Jyn and I are nothing more than friends."

"Keep telling yourself that Captain and maybe one day it will be true, however I doubt you will be happy about it on that day."

"It already is true. Jyn is my friend. Why do you think we are anything more than that?"

"Well... it's kind of hard to explain. You have this way... this way... this way that you look at one another."

"We look at each other.... I look at all of you. That doesn't mean I'm dating any of you."

"Don't be a nerf herder. It isn't that you look. It is the way you look. You two have the absolutely MOST UNPLATONIC way of looking at each other. You look at Jyn like she hung the moon and stars. And for your information she looks at you like you single-handedly destroyed the Death Star."

"That isn't true and this conversation is over.", Cassian said, spy mask sliding firmly into place.

"Fine.", Bodhi huffed while Baze murmured his agreement, having decided that he had talked to much already.

"As you wish Captain, but know that all is as the force wills it.", Chirrut uttered with an air of sad mystique.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jyn was worn out, not only because of the dreams and memories that haunted her in both her waking and sleeping hours but also the deliberate act of covering up and hiding her turmoil. She desperately wanted the nightmares to stop and go away but she didn't know how to accomplish that. The nightmares, and her inability to simply ignore them, were a weakness, one she could not afford. Being weak was not tolerated at all amongst Saw's Partisans. So Jyn could not be weak. She was raised believing that weakness got you killed or worse and being left all alone in that bunker did nothing to help prove that wrong in her mind. Jyn loved her team, every single one of them, and at times that scared her because she didn't know when they each wormed their way into her somewhat fragile heart. She had no idea what to believe, Saw always told her that loved made you weak(and weakness was not allowed), but looking at her new family, loving them had never made her feel like she was weak.

It made her feel strong, but with that strength also came fear. Fear that she would once again lose her family even a part of it. That they would be torn away and taken from her another time. Fear that she no longer had control over her heart and emotions.

Jyn was terrified of love, of trust and of what it could do to you. She was simultaneously petrified to feel both for anyone(and to have them feel it for her in return) and to not feel it(and to have nobody feel it for her either). What ifs' constantly plagued her, running through her mind all of the time. What if they leave me behind? What if any of them die? What if I die and never tell them? What if they don't feel the same way about me as I feel for them? What if they do? What if they suddenly stop caring? And so on and so forth, enough to drive a person mad.

She knew a surefire way(probably the only way) to stop the questions racing through her weary mind, but the prospect was not a particularly appealling one. It meant letting people in, it meant tearing down all of her walls. Guards that she had since before she could remember. It was something new and horrifying because she had never been that open before, not even as a child. Even before Lyra's death Jyn had defenses galore, being on the run from the Empire did not make for an extremely stable, normal and happy childhood. Don't get her wrong, Jyn loved Galen and Lyra, but no matter how hard they tried she knew that their "games" were not games. They were not for fun, they were to prepare for when Krennic inevitably came for them. The Erso's loved their daughter fiercely and wanted only the best for her, nevertheless they inadvertently taught her to be wary of other and of letting them in.

To date, Jyn had pretty much only ever let three people into her life completely, both of her parents and Saw Gerrera. Between witnessing her mother's death, her father's abduction and later his death as well as Saw's desertion, Jyn made the irrational assumption that if she loved and trusted someone enough to let them in completely she would only end up losing them in one way or another. That was why the idea of finally opening herself up unreservedly to anyone was frightening. She was not sure if she could handle it if they were to reject her, it might break her heart. She didn't know, didn't believe that she could accept losing any one of her new people. Jyn knew for certain that she would rather die herself than to ever again have to entertain the notion that Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut, Cassian, Kaytoo and/or anyone else she cared about might die, and that she might have to see it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are welcome and appreciated. Feel free to ask any questions. Any ideas on who her other bunkmates should be?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own.

Cassian was back at square one. Since he got annoyed with the team, mainly Bodhi though, he stopped the conversation before they could tell him what he missed, what was happening with Jyn. He still felt bad about biting Bodhi's head off because it was like being mean to one of the brightest, sweetest, nicest people in the entire galaxy. It made you feel like crud. On top of that, Cassian waited for Jyn to appear at breakfast so he could try to talk to her and ask her himself, yet she never did. Missing a meal was so unlike her, so Cassian went to try and find her before he had to start his shift, but she was nowhere to be found, at least not by him, making him start worrying a little. Cassian wanted to try again during his shift-he was overseeing a group of technicians(who were working on Echo Base's construction) and mechanics(who were in charge of minor ship repair in one of the hangars and trying to make one set of the ships, droids, and speeders function better on Hoth) while he was grounded-but he had more work to do than normal(more than he thought he'd have) and was unable to pull himself away to look. 

Cassian had to root around tons of paperwork, trying to figure out how repairs reported unfinished or unstarted on the schedules were suddenly done in the morning when they weren't the night before. He had no idea how it kept happening in not only his assigned hangar but in all of them. Nobody thought that it was a particularly bad problem to have, it was just an odd and confusing one to have(work was seemingly being done whilst all the workers were asleep). The mysterious work popped up all over the base, almost everywhere on base and almost every day too. It had started pretty much right after Cassian was grounded.

For the last month and a half, Cassian's default feeling was confusion. Jyn had begun to all but completely ignore him, repairs were mysteriously done and the othets were also all acting weird around him. Questioning any of them was a futile exercise as well. Chirrut would simply wave his questions off and perplex him, Baze wouldn't answer any questions if he thought they were stupid, and Bodhi would ramble on never actually answering the questions more than half the time(never on purpose though). Cassian figured, in his frustration, that it was finally time to ask Kaytoo if he knew what was going on. So he took a quick break to get him and take him to talk in private.

"Cassian, why could we not speak in the hangar?"

"Because, I wanted some privacy to talk to you about this, Kay."

"Okay Cassian. What do you wish to speak to me about in private?"

"I wanted to know if you know how and why work has been being done during the middle of the night. I was also wondering if you know what's the matter with Jyn."

"Yes, Cassian."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I know how repairs and maintenance are being done during the night, the highest probability of why they are, and what is currently wrong with Jyn Erso."

"Ok. Then what is it, tell me."

"No."

"No?"

"I am sorry Cassian. I cannot do that. I cannot tell you."

"Kay... Why not?"

"I said I would not tell and I will not break my word."

"Who did you tell that?"

"I cannot say that either."

"Don't make me reprogram you."

"I am not afraid of you. I calculate that the probability that you will ever do such a thing is low, extremely low."

"Really, and how do you figure that?"

"You have threatened before and have never followed through. Therefore you will not now."

"Ugh. Is there anything you can actually tell me?"

"I do not know. I am not certain. I promised I would not tell."

"Ok, well you only promise people you like and trust so that narrows that down a bit. Can you give me anymore hints at least? You don't have to outright tell me."

"Let me think about it... Yes. All of your problems have the same simple solution."

"Thanks Kay."

"You are welcome, Cassian."

Cassian wasn't sure what to do. Kay had never refused to tell Cassian anything before. Yet today he refused to tell Cassian what he knew about Jyn and the repairs. The only reason that Kaytoo did not just lie to him was because Kay was the worst liar he had ever met. Kaytoo must really like the person he was "protecting" which was odd because before Scarif, Eadu and Jedha the only person Kay liked was Cassian himself.

Cassian was even more worried than he was before. He didn't understand his friends' new behavior. Everyone was acting bizarre and he genuinely felt like he was missing something. Like he was being kept out of the loop, like everyone else knew something he didn't. Cassian went back to work after his talk with Kaytoo, attempting to figure things out for the rest of the day.

He ended up working through lunch and then most of dinner. Cassian wondered of he would finally be able to clear the air with Jyn, but once again she was nowhere to be seen. Out of the team, Bodhi was the only one there having gotten held up by some of the other pilots. When asked Bodhi said that he hadn't seen Jyn but that she might have been finished eating by the time he came for food.

/////////////////////////////////////////////

For Cassian, the next couple of days passed in much the same manner-odd behavior, no Jyn, no answers. For Jyn though, her days and nights only got progressively worse. The nightmares became even more horrific, to the point where she didn't even want to try to sleep half the time. So not only could she not seem to sleep, but she had next to no appetite and what she did manage to force down didn't have a taste or help how she felt. She had no idea how anyone fell for it when she told them she had already eaten or that she wasn't hungry, she knew it was far from normal for her.

Instinctively, Jyn knew she needed help and that any number of her friends would have no problem offering it. She just didn't know how to ask and was also petrified to ask, to show her pain. Jyn wasn't sure how much longer she could avoid Cassian, nor how much longer she could keep the charade of being fine up without people noticing(she didn't realize that many already had and were very worried, that they wanted to help her but didn't know if she'd accept it, she didn't know she was cared about and loved). What Jyn also didn't know was that her time had ran out, that Cassian had managed to track her down at last, the one time when she was alone all he roommates were not on base at the time.

Once her shift was over, Jyn went straight to her room, in a exhausted fruitless endeavor to relax enough to sleep. She was lying in her bed, swaddled by her blankets trying to keep warm, when a knock came at her door. Opening the door, she was shocked to see Cassian because she didn't think he would come to her room, that he would probably think it was too forward. 

"Uh...hi...Cassian."

"Hi Jyn... Can i come in?"

"Yes. Of course. Did you need something?"

"Yes. I want to talk to you about a couple of things, if that's okay with you?"

"It's okay. Shoot."

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong with what?"

"With you. What's wrong with you?"

"Excuse me? What are you talking about?"

"Don't play stupid. This is the first time I've seen you all week. You haven't been at meals. People have been asking me about you too. I got worried."

"I'm sorry? I've been pretty busy lately. We all have."

"You still have to eat Jyn."

"I have beem eating. We just haven't been getting food at the same time, I guess. Otherwise I could say the same to you."

"We aren't talking about me. We're talking about you. And I have been eating. The others have been acting off too."

"Ok. Well then, maybe you should be talking to them instead of me."

"You don't understand. Kay has also been acting weird."

"Kay is always a bit weird, it's part of his charm."

"Don't mock me. He has been even weirder than normal."

"He is your droid, Cassian."

"Really? I just... Have I done something to offend or hurt you? I feel like this distance between us is more personal than being a coincidence or due to busyness."

"No Cassian. You haven't done anything. I haven't been avoiding you."

"Yes you have. I'm not an idiot. Now will you just tell me why and what's wrong already!"

"Oh my Force. Okay. I've been avoiding you, are you happy?!"

"No. Why are you avoiding me?"

"If you don't know, don't undertand, why then you're an idiot."

"What is that supposed to mean Jyn?"

"It means you're an idiot."

"We are friends. Please talk to me. Tell me what's the matter."

"There's obviously nothing to talk about. Now would you please leave, Captain."

"Jyn."

"Go."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"I'll come back to talk, Jyn, when you are ready, when you need a friend. I am your friend."

"Just go."

Once she was sure Cassian was gone, Jyn broke down in tears. Tears she had been holding in for nearly two months and older tears too. Tears that were for what could have been, but never would be. She cried because she knew he would never love her back even though she loved him. She had been too scared to tell him before and now it was too late. He only saw her as his friend and she probably lost that forever too by letting her anger get to her. She cried for everything and everyone she had ever lost because even if she had been upset(even extremely upset) about it before she had bottled most of it up deep inside her. Jyn found she could no longer hold in all of the pain, anger, hurt and sadness that she carried around herself, overflowing from where she shoved it all into the cave inside her mind. All the feelings and emotions that made up her armor and mind cave were gone at last, completely and utterly shattered and unsalvageable, leaving her in a broken mess of jagged sharp edges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions, feel free to comment. If you have any ideas about bunkmates, comment. Sorry about the time between updates, I kept changing what I wanted to say. I almost destroyed my eraser. Thank you for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May the Fourth be with you! All mistakes are my own.

Jyn didn't know how long she sat on the floor of her dorm, sobs wracking their way through her body, unaware of her surroundings. She couldn't stop the tears no matter how hard she tried, she had experienced so much pain and suffering in her life that it would no longer allow itself to be held in. When a pair of strong warm arms encircled her, she willingly melted into them no longer fighting the intense need for comfort.

"It's ok, little sister. Let it all out.", Baze said, embracing her tighter as she tried to curl her body into itself, still crying hard.

Some time later, Jyn stopped sobbing and became aware again. Even after realizing she was being held, Jyn made no move to leave Baze's arms. She was content enough to take the comfort being freely offered to her, for what was the first time since Lah'mu, and Baze was happy enough to help her. 

"Do you want to talk about it, little sister?"

"I don't know. Maybe?"

"You aren't alone anymore. We love you, you know that right?"

"I guess, yeah...and sometimes...that freaks me out."

"I know. I get it."

"You do?"

"Mmhmm."

"I just...sometimes I...can we get Chirrut and Bodhi? It might be easier to talk about it and try to explain it just once."

"Ok. I'll get them and come back."

Baze went to get Chirrut first, knowing that he would be in their quarters because he was the closer one and Jyn might need his calming presence. No words were needed between the two men before they parted. Chirrut headed to see Jyn and Baze went to retrieve Bodhi.

"Pilot, come on."

"What?... Okay. What is it? Something wrong with the ship?"

"No."

"Oh...then what's wrong?"

"Jyn."

"Say no more. I'm coming. De we need to get Cassian or Kaytoo?"

"Nope."

"Are they there already or on their way?"

"No."

"Uh...why not?"

"She only asked for you and Chirrut."

"Ahh. Let's go then."

Once all three men were with Jyn, she wasn't sure where to start. Should she start with the nightmares? The causes of them? Should she start with Lah'mu, Eadu, Scarif? With Saw? With her abandonment? With her deal with Cassian?

"Start wherever you wish to. We are all here to listen.", Chirrut announced serenely.

"I'm scared. I'm scared because I need help."

"It's okay. What do you need help with?"

"It's stupid, really stupid."

"I doubt it. Even if it is we do not care, tell us anyway."

"I don't want to be alone, not again. I know that you all say I'm not, but sometimes I can't help but to feel that that way. I look at all of you and you all seem to fit somewhere, in one way or another, and I don't. I don't fit. I'm nowhere near good enough, strong enough, and when everyone realizes it, I'll be left all alone again."

"Jyn...", Bodhi sighed. "You are way more than good and strong enough. Why would any one of us leave you?"

"Because everyone does. Everyone leaves."

"That isn't true."

"Yes it is. It's a fact I've come to accept. People always leave me. My mom, papa, Saw. It must only be a matter of time before I lose you all too... I should be used to it by now, but I'm not, I'm weak. I care too much and I'm not supposed to. I shouldn't be so weak, but I am. I'm terrified, I won't be able to handle it if I lose you guys too."

"You won't lose us. Listen to me Jyn... I understand that you believe caring, loving even, makes you weak, but trust me it doesn't. You are not weak, far from it in fact. You are so strong, but even the strongest people need to lean on somebody else's shoulder at times. Vulnerability, letting someone into your life and heart, is not a weakness. It's a strength, one you have otherwise after everything you've ever been through, you wouldn't have let us in. You would never have trusted us but you have and you do. We love you, we won't leave you."

"I'll try to remember that but..."

"But what? Please let us help, let us in all the way. We know that more is wrong."

Jyn, overwhelmed, started to weep again. Through gasps, she uttered, "That isn't a promise you can make. You could die and that would still be leaving. I don't want you to die!"

"We won't promise not to die. We know we can't, but we can promise that we will do everything in our power to make sure that we do not die anytime even remotely soon."

"Ok.", Jyn replied meekly, still a little out of breath.

"Would you like to talk about why you have been breaking into our rooms and Bodhi's ship during the middle of the night?", Chirrut enquired.

"I...I just...I have to be sure."

"Sure of what, little sister?", Baze followed up.

"That you're all still here and alive. I have to be sure you are not dead."

"When was the last time you actually slept?"

"I can't sleep. My mind has the wonderful capability of being completely dark and demented. I'm terrified of my dreams.", Jyn replied defensively in exhaustion.

"Tell us about them. It will help you to get it all out. At least it helps me.", Bodhi uttered kindly, moving to pull Jyn into his arms to offer her more much needed and deserved comfort.

"I don't want to be a burden."

"You won't be, I promise."

"In some of them it's Jedha and how things could have gone wrong. We don't make it off before the Death Star's destruction catches us. Stormtroopers kill us. Saw murders you all in front of me and there is nothing I can do to stop him. Other times the Partisans kill you before we even make it to Saw. On Eadu, the crash kills us sometimes, both quickly and slowly, or we aren't able to make it back off the planet. I've been in Papa's place and instead of killing me Krennic always kills you guys instead. Rebel bombs still fall and kill everyone, except me. I'm still alive and you aren't and its like losing Papa again except it seems a hundred times worse. I've lost count of all the ways we all die on Scarif. The plans don't make it out and I'm left knowing we failed. That every death was in vain and Papa's sacrifice was ultimately for nothing. Cassian almost always dies too, whether it's in my arms on the beach or that he never gets back up from the fall, and it's my fault, always my fault. The rare times he doesn't die, he...he looks at me with such hatred that it somehow hurts more than him dying. Kaytoo hates me for failing and so do all of you. It haunts me, even though I know it is not real. The worst of my nightmares through...the worst are simply my memories, as they are or twisted, with those they feel so real it hurts terribly when I wake up because I think it's real. I hate them all so much, they're horrible. I want to sleep but I can't. My mind will not let me rest, not without the dreams constantly terrorising me. I cannot fall back asleep following one even after I've checked on everyone I care about. I can hardly see straight, I'm so tired."

"Do you want us to stay with you while you try to sleep? Would it help?"

"You would do that for me?"

"Of course we would."

"I...yes, I would like that. Thanks."

"No problem, just sleep.", all three men told her as she lay down to sleep.

For the first time in weeks, Jyn was able to sleep through the night with next to no interruptions. She didn't have to check on anyone, when she woke briefly from a nightmare she was assured she was no longer alone. Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut took shifts staying awake to make sure that she would always be reassured that she was with family. When she finally actually woke up in the morning(way late for her shift, Bodhi had gotten her a replacement for her shift and a new shift to make up for the lost one) she knew that it was objectively one of the best nights of sleep she had had since she was eight years old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the length between updates, I wanted to be sure I did what I wanted to write justice. Feel free to comment. If you have any suggestions or criticisms they are welcome. Thank you for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait. Real life has been a real big bag of dicks. Murphy's Law was governing my life. All mistakes are my own. Sorry about the double update for this chapter, I hit the wrong thing on my phone and then rushed to edit to include the rest.

Cassian was extremely confused and becoming slightly hurt. He hadn't spoken to Jyn since their fight, not because he didn't want to, Force knows he did but because he wasn't sure what to say and she was still avoiding him. What are you supposed to say when your friend admits to avoiding you, and then calls you an idiot for not knowing why? Add on that Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut were also acting weird and slightly distant, like they knew something he didn't and weren't planning on telling him. Cassian felt cut off from all of them, except for Kay, for the first time since their miraculous escape from Scarif.

He still had no idea about the reason why Jyn was avoiding him in the first place, and he was beginning to feel like the idiot Jyn accused him of being. Cassian kept running through all of his memories of their interactions, but even though he was able to tell about when her behavior began to change, he did not understand why. He had gotten hurt and subsequently grounded from missions for a while, but that wasn't something that hadn't already happened(other than the grounding). He had been hurt worse before, like from Scarif, why was this time special? Why had she put her shields back up and hidden herself away from him?

He missed them all, even though they hadn't physically gone anywhere at all. He wanted, needed, to know what he had done wrong and if he could fix it, because he thought he must have done something wrong for all of his friends to put up walls and distance themselves from him. He abhorred this new loneliness more than anything. He had been lonely before Jyn, but that had been different, it had been his choice to keep his distance from everyone. He no longer wanted to be alone, he wanted his group of odd friends to stay and actually be there. Yes, he had been stupid recently and thought about pushing them away and had begun to subtly, before he came to his senses. He had realized that he could be a part of the rebellion and still be more, like having a family in the form of Jyn, Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut mainly.

Cassian hadn't realized what an integral part of his life they had all become. They were his family, them and Kay, now, not just the rebellion. It made his heart ache to feel like he was losing them(he had lost his family once already and was not keen for history to repeat itself). They had "broken" him in essence(rather they fixed him or were starting to), he wasn't just a tool of the rebellion anymore, and surprisingly he didn't want to be just a weapon any longer.

When he first started to question his complete and utter devotion to the cause at the cost of his own life, future and happiness, he was shocked. Even more shocked than with his choice to disobey orders for Jyn, because he felt like he did not deserve his new family as well as feeling like it was a betrayal of everything lost to the rebellion to give less of himself than absolutely everything. So in his shock and misguided guilt, Cassian threw himself back into his orders fully, trying to convince himself that he was better off alone, keeping everybody at arm's distance.

It was painful now that he had come to his senses that he was being treated more distantly, but he knew he was the only one to blame. He was the one to start the chilly behavior and then proceeded to lose his temper with each of them. Cassian had never felt more awful about his horrid conduct, he had been a jerk without fully realizing it(other had, even Kay though he wasn't able to say anything as Cassian rarely listened to his probabilities). He understood that he had been a hypocrit and that he needed to fix things, with Jyn especially. Come to think of it she was probably avoiding him so he couldn't hurt her like everyone else in her life had seemed to. He had given her hope by saying _welcome home_ and _all the way_ then in his stupidity wrenched it all away, no wonder she avoided him, he had messed up their friendship. The thing was that he had absolutely no clue how to fix the damage he had so carelessly done, let alone how to apologize for being yet another person in her life that let her down and abandoned her.

How do you apologize for something that messed up and cruel?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jyn missed Cassian, though she hated to admit it still. It had been two weeks since their fight and her susequent breakdown, and she was still avoiding him. She was getting sick of it though, she missed him so much that she decided to stop. She would accept whatever piece of himself he wanted to give her. Even if he only wanted to be her friend and didn't love her the same way she loved him(and she knew she loved him, she had unsuccessfully tried to stop being in love with him, not wanting to change things between them), she was determined to hide her feelings and just be his friend.

Jyn would apologize to Cassian and try to tell him why she avoided him as well as why she had snapped at him. She wouldn't tell him everything, like how she felt about him. Nope that would be stupid and probably destroy their friendship which would be terrible, and was counterintuitive to her plan of not ruining their relationship. She planned it all out ao that their mutual friends wouldn't have to choose sides because that wouldn't be fair to any of them, her and Cassian included. It should mean that no one got hurt(except maybe her, hiding that she was in love with Cassian was very unappealing and would likely hurt a lot, but she would still do it to keep her family together). All that she had to do know was to talk to the other guys and tell them to stop being distant with Cassian because of her, he didn't deserve that. She had heard about it because she eavesdropped on some stupid gossipers. Then the hard part would come, talking to Cassian himself.

She was fairly certain she had never faced such a difficult task, at least not one involving her fragile and slow healing heart that she tried to hide from the universe.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

It didn't take Jyn a long time to find Cassian, he almost never missed dinner even if he was severely late and was left with the dregs of all the food. This time though, dinner had started not too long before and he had been early, so he was in a slightly better mood making her job a bit easier. She grabbed a tray of food and went to eat with Cassian for the first time in nearly a month.

As she neared his table and seat(where he was thankfully sitting alone), she shyly asked, "Hey Cassian. May I sit?"

"Jyn! Of course. How are you?", Cassian rambled on, shocked to see Jyn speaking to him before he was able to mend the bridges he had begun to burn.

"I'm fine. I just wanted to talk to you about something, if that's alright with you?", Jyn replied quickly and nervously.

"Yes. It's okay with me. I also wanted to talk to you.", Cassian told Jyn. "You can go first if you want."

"Um...okay. I... I wanted to apologize for our fight. You didn't deserve my bad mood.", Jyn sincerely apologized.

Cassian replied, somewhat shocked and apologetic, "You don't have to apologize. I do. You were right, Jyn. I should have known what was wrong. I haven't been the best of friends lately, you can't deny it either. I'm the one who should be and is sorry. That is what I wanted to talk to you about, to apologize."

"It's okay though. I don't need an apology. I know I'm not the easiest person to be around and I wasn't making it any easier. I got angry and I took it out on you, instead of trying to talk about it.", Jyn responded, self-deprecatingly and a bit embarrassed. 

"That's not true. You're my friend and I was being an idiot. Would you like to talk about it now, why you were angry and avoiding me?", Cassian asked. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Just know that I'll listen no matter what."

"You nearly died, you can't deny your injuries were really bad, and when we talked you didn't seem to care. It pisses me off that you refuse to take care of yourself. I care that you come back, and come back in one piece, not half dead. Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut feel the same too. You seem to forget or simply don't care that you dying and being gone forever would hurt us. I avoided you because I didn't want to punch you for being infuriating.", Jyn finished her rant as Cassian looked away and squirmed sheepishly. "I wish you would see that you are more than just a member of the Rebel Alliance."

Guilty, Cassian responded apologetically, "I'm so sorry I upset you, it was never my intention to hurt you. I always care about coming back. I can't promise that I always will, but I promise to always try my absolute hardest to come back. I promised _all the way_ and I meant it. I'm sorry I hurt you by acting careless. I swear it won't happen again. So, are we good now, no more avoiding?"

"Yeah. We're good now. I won't be avoiding you anymore. I promise.", Jyn smiled, hiding her true feelings that only continued to grow in spite of the dreaded friendzone(his speech did nothing to help her suppress them).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave me comments or kudos if you want to. Constructive criticism is appreciated. I may go through previous chapters and edit a bit just so you know. Again thank you. Comments brighten my day.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own. About all the italics, I only learned how to do them as I was typing the last chapter, so I've been trying to do a bit more.

After their mutual apology, Jyn and Cassian's relationship mostly returned to normal. They were no longer evading one another, nor were they obviously angry or upset with the other. The rest of Rogue One were happy and hoped that this meant that their friends would take a step in the right direction. They hoped Jyn and Cassian would simply admit they were in love with each other but also did not count on it happening anytime soon without a push due to their friends' insane stubbornness(Cassian wouldn't admit it to _himself_ , much less anyone else, and Jyn didn't want to admit it to Cassian for fear of rejection and then loss). Kay was happy he would no longer need to keep secrets from Cassian( _he was terrible at it_ ), that's not to say Cassian knew what Kay was keeping. Cassian didn't ask beacuse he trusted Kay to tell him if he needed Cassian, which pleased Kay in turn. Jyn was trying her best to make sure Cassian never found out she was in love with him while still being around him all the time as his friend, which was by no means an easy feat. Cassian was trying no to fall in love with Jyn, though that was futile beacuse he already had. He was just in denial and refused to acknowledge the fact.

By this time, almost everyone on base had realized that Jyn and Cassian were not an item so they started to hit on each of them. On Jyn more so than Cassian, because it was obvious that Jyn was in love with Cassian to most of the people interested in him, and frankly she terrified them by just being herself. While Jyn was so focused on Cassian that she barely even seemed to notice other rebels' _romantic_ interest in her, Cassian was frustrated and jealous. He knew he had no right to be(and that he was the one to choose not to be with Jyn romantically, and he chose to not even see if she would want to be with him either), but that didn't stop him from envying them the ease in which they showed their interest in Jyn. No matter what he said or did, he was not entirely satisfied with how things were. Despite their apologies, Jyn was still different with him( _only him_ ) than she had been before, like she was protecting herself from him. They still hung out but she was more closed off and less open to him. Her actions were incredibly subtle and seemed unconscious in nature which only made it twist Cassian's heart more. It meant that subconsciously Jyn did not trust him all the way anymore, that she felt she had to be protected from being hurt by him again.

Cassian hated that he had broken Jyn's hard-earned and precious trust so cavalierly. He wanted her back all the way and was finally accepting that she meant more to him than as just a friend. He loved her, was in love with her. He hadn't a clue how to tell her, seeing as she probably no longer trusted him with her heart and there was a possibility(however slight) that she might not feel the same(Jyn wasn't obvious to Cassian, only to everyone else). Cassian also wasn't even sure if he should tell her, he didn't want to destroy the bond that all of Rogue One had built over the last year. He would never forgive himself if he was the one responsible for Jyn losing yet another home and family. It terrified him, being in love with the woman who had become one of his best friends besides Kay, he couldn't bear to lose her.

Cassian also couldn't figure out what Jyn had meant when she said something about their talk after he was injured. They hadn't spoken then, not that he was aware. The first time they had actually spoken since his grounding was during their fight as far as he could remember. So either she was mistaken or at some point they had a conversation that pissed her off and he unfortunately could not remember for the life of him. Now Cassian had to regain Jyn's trust, figure out what was said and done during the forgotten conversation without pissing her off again as well as figuring out what he should do about his love for her. He needed to do this all soon too or he might lose her forever.

////////////////////////////////////////////////

Bodhi Rook knew he would never be the exact same man he was before Saw Gerrera and Bor Gullet. Even after a year had passed, his mind, memories and thoughts would still come out of order and in random intervals at times. That isn't to say he wasn't getting better, he was improving day by day. His mind was in order most of the time now, his anxiety levels were not absurd and astronomical anymore and his nightmares were becoming nearly nonexistent. But he would still live the rest of his life with the scars left on him by that vile creature. That was why he originally did not worry when Jyn and Cassian started to act differently. He just assumed that he had forgotten something that happened and that he would remember what it was soon. He always tried to piece together and remember what he could before he would ask for help.

Bodhi realized that this wouldn't be the case when Jyn opened up to him, Baze and Chirrut. She had told them most of her problem, but Cassian was hardly mentioned. She talked about her parents. She talked about Saw too even though most of the time she refused to talk about him around Bodhi because she hated what Saw had done to him. He knew Jyn loved and cared for Cassian, it was kind of obvious to everyone and despite the fact that they were at least talking again he was aware that their dynamic was not like it was before. Bodhi was almost certain that Cassian felt the same for Jyn, but he had no idea why wouldn't just tell her or do something else about it. Bodhi was afraid that if one or both of them didn't do something about their feelings they would drift apart and eventually the gap would be too great to overcome. He hated that that would lead them to becoming empty shells of who they could be and already were because they thought they couldn't be with the peraon they loved and wanted. He absolutely refused to let them go down that path even if it meant he had to try and meddle to stop them. Bodhi decided he would talk to Jyn when they were alone to see what, if anything, he could do to help. 

It was the least he could do for the woman who he viewed as his baby sister(even if she was only four years younger than him) as well as the man who was like a brother when he let himself.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Kaytoo Esso did not understand most human beings and other organics and the way in which they dealt with certain things. Cassian was not normally included among those he did not understand, at least not until recently. Kaytoo knew Cassian was attracted to Jyn Erso and vice versa, what he did not know was why they were akward around each other when they had yet to address their feelings. There was a very high probability that if he asked either Cassian or Jyn about their actions they would either lie or completely deny that they were being stupid, especially Jyn, but what did he know his specialty was just strategic analysis. Kaytoo decided that he would ask Baze or Chirrut about why his human was being stupid the first chance he got. He knew they would be the best to ask because they were in a successful long term relationship. The only way Kay wouldn't ask was if Cassian answered his questions first. Before Kay could clarify Cassian's behavior, he had to tell Cassian to report for a mission briefing.

Kaytoo hoped that Cassian would not be too distracted by Jyn in the meantime. He refused to have his human be injured due to distraction simply because he and Jyn were being too stupid to confess their feelings to one another. He did not want anyone to be injured on this mission at all but Cassian would always be his first priority. Kay decided if the two of them unwittingly put themselves and the mission in danger, he would lock them alone together with no way out or anything to do until they came to their senses and did the logical thing. He would not care how long it took he would not let them out until they told each other everything.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Once Kay told him about the briefing, Cassian was happy that he was going to finally get off of Hoth and was no longer grounded. He was aching to feel more useful again, even if this mission was supposed to be simple. He had to meet up with a contact of his who may or may not have news and reports of imperial troop and fleet movements as well as possible supply ships' locations and defenses. Also during the mission, Jyn would be meeting up with a former Partisan who had left Saw's ranks years before. 

Jyn was going because as a former Partisan herself she might actually personally know this person as they left the cadre before her abandonment. They led a small rebel cell on Lothal and were looking along with the rest of their rebel cell to join the Rebel Alliance. They couldn't stay on Lothal much longer without risking too much collateral damage to themselves and the planet's citizens. Jyn and Cassian were assigned to meet them to determine if they were genuine and whether or not to bring them to join the troops and fleet. Kaytoo would be co-piloting the ship with Bodhi as well as being extra back-up alongside Baze and Chirrut.

Cassian hoped that this mission would help further his own personal mission regarding Jyn. He was going to let her lead the Partisan part of the mission so that she could see her trusted and had faith in her. He hoped it might help her regain a spark of trust in him. The other four were still trying to come up with a plan to begin to fix Jyn and Cassian's relationship as they had all consulted each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. As always feel free to comment or ask questions. Constructive criticism is appreciated as well.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy.

Jyn was nervous. She had no idea who these former Partisans could be, she had never known anyone to choose to leave. Most of the time, if a soldier was gone it meant that they were either dead or maimed beyond the capability to fight at all, and Saw hadn't told her anything about people choosing to walk away. Though that might have been because he was choosing to turn his back on her for her so-called protection, as others were figuring out her parentage and didn't seem to care that she was one of them. Jyn was uncertain whether or not she wanted them to be someone she had never met or if she wanted them to be someone she cared for come back from the dead. It shouldn't hurt if she had never met them whereas if they were a friend it meant that yet another person chose to leave her behind. That was what one part of her was saying, or screaming, into her mind. The other part, the larger one, desperately wanted it to be a friend, so that for once she got someone back instead of lost them to the rebellion(that's not to say she didn't wholeheartedly believe and fight for the rebellion still).

Jyn also wanted to make Cassian proud. He was letting her take the lead on this part of the mission despite the fact that she was at times reckless and put herself in danger and that he was the captain. She vehemently refused to let him down or disappoint him when he trusted her and had faith that she could do her part well. The entire mission was important and while Cassian took the objectively harder and more critical portion, Jyn was no less determined to ensure their success. She thought it also might help change certain idiots on the council's(like Jebel and Pamlo-the nerf-herders) opinion that Rogue One didn't belong together at all and that some shouldn't be a part of the Alliance(namely Jyn but also Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut, Cassian and his friends were fine). Jyn once would have sworn that General Draven would have been the hardest to convince that they were a good, effective team and that they should be allowed to stay that way, but he was in fact one of their most vocal supporters almost since they came back from Scarif.

Jyn had come to realize that was Draven was an asshole, he was not one hundred percent, a dick. She still hated the general and did not agree with all of his decisions, but she hated him slightly less than before. She hated a small portion of the council more because of their continued disapproval of their actions at Rogue One even though the Death Star had been destroyed. She also despised them because they still seemed to think that there was a diplomatic solution for absolutely everything and fighting was never necessary even though the Empire destroyed Alderaan to prove a point. Those idiots, although few in number, always managed to infuriate her. Jyn would forever hate that she was unable to save Alderaan and that her father was forced to help create the Death Star. She wished that she could have let go of her anger and feelings of betrayal sooner so that she could have been quicker, could have been better. All of this was why Jyn knew she couldn't fail her mission, and it helped keep her mind off her ever growing and frustrating feelings for one Captain Cassian Jeron Andor(she enjoyed using his full name and title when he annoyed her).

She knew she needed to get a handle on them soon otherwise her attempts to protect her heart from being broken by Cassian would cause her to lose him anyways. She was failing to not fall more in love with him than she already was and their friendship was still being affected by it. She needed to show him that she would always trust him because she knew Cassian thought that she had stopped. It was never her intention to hurt him or to make him doubt any aspect of their relationship, but she did, so she would fix it to keep him in her life in whatever way he wanted. 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jyn had a plan. Her meeting was taking place in a cantina in grungy part of town, so Baze and Chirrut would go in first to scope the place out and then blend in to the background. After that Jyn would go in, order a drink and wait until contact was made. She would be wearing her customary scarf to identify herself to her contact, as had been previously arranged. The plan was simple and straightforward, difficult to screw up. Jyn would signal to the guys whether she was okay, needed immediate assistance or that they should stand by because she wasn't sure.

The precautions were being taken because the Partisan might possibly be one of the ones who wanted to hurt Jyn, one of the ones responsible for her abandonment. Even though she was a rebel and the Death Star was no more, she still got a lot of flak for being Galen Erso's daughter and Alderaan's destruction had only made it worse. On missions, it was easier to dismiss the condemnation because her identity was hidden and protected from anyone who might cause her pain. On base though, everyone knew who she was, and though Princess Leia did not hate or blame her or her father, plenty of others did and they did not hold back. For this mission Jyn couldn't hide behind the anonymity of an alias which would be dangerous if they wanted to injure her even though Galen was dead. Jyn did not care and was not worried about the danger to herself, she only worried that her family might be hurt because of her.

Still, Jyn was hopeful that both parts of the mission would go smoothly and that the Force would continue to be with them all.

///////////////////////////////////////////////

Cassian had already finished getting the intel from his contact when Baze contacted him. All he or Chirrut would say was that he needed to meet up with them as soon as possible, no more, no less. So in spite of his best efforts, Cassian was worried about whether or not Jyn was okay, was safe. He despised not knowing exactly what was going on, it was the intelligence officer in him.

Cassian, who at this point was back at the ship, quickly changed into more appropriate clothing. He was in a slightly more upscale part of the city than Jyn with Kay nearby as KX-security droids were common enough for him to back up Cassian without being killed himself. That part of the city was more Imperial leaning and supporting. Cassian was further preparing himself by grabbing extra power cells for everyone when Kay came up to him.

"What is the plan, Cassian?", Kay asked starting to prepare to come with Cassian.

His reply was, "I'll go meet up with the others while you and Bodhi will stay with the ship."

"What? Why? Would you like to know the probability that Jyn Erso is in distress?", Kay shot back. "It's very high. I could help get you out by arresting you all. I am a reprogrammed Imperial droid."

"I didn't want to know. You're staying because reprogrammed or not you look Imperial, and where I'm going everyone is going to want to shoot you like on Jedha but worse and you can't lie. Arresting us would be impossible everyone would see right through you. Why do you want to go? I thought you didn't like Jyn and Baze and Chirrut will have our backs.", Cassian replied once again confused by his friends' behavior.

"I like Jyn. She gave me a blaster. Plus she liberated me a new body. Why do you think I dislike her?", Kay questioned, confused.

"Really? You too seem to be at each other's throats a lot and your antagonistic towards each other too.", Cassian replied.

"Are we hostile though? No, we are not. We both enjoy messing with one another as you organics would say. We have become friends. We use sarcasm, Cassian. Would you like a definition? Sarcasm is the use of irony to...", Kay mocked.

"Kay! I don't need a definition.", Cassian huffed, interupting Kay. "You're going to have to explain how and when you became friends once we get back to base."

"Okay. I still don't want to stay on the ship.", Kay complained.

"I know but you're still staying. I still don't know how Jyn got you a replacement chassis in the first place, I dont want to have to find yet another new one.", Cassian stated, finally prepared(over-prepared) to go.

"Fine. I know how she got it, by the way. All you had to say was you like having me around. Would you like to hear the probabilities now?", Kay inquired.

"No. Of course I like having you around, you are my friend, just don't be insufferable about it. I'll be back with the others once I figure out what's wrong and we complete the mission." Cassian left the ship to mett up with Jyn, Baze and Chirrut. He really detested not knowing what was happening with his team, both on the mission and in general.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////

Baze was a bit nervous, although no one but Chirrut would really be able to tell. He hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary when when they arrived but when Jyn showed up to meet their contact everything seemed to go out of whack. Jyn and the contact, a young woman around Jyn's ahe maybe a bit older, saw each other and immediately froze looking shocked and uncertain. Baze knew Jyn was young in years at twenty-two, but looking at her in that moment she had never looked so young and vulnerable to him. Not even when she had opened up to him, Chirrut and Bodhi had she been this defenseless. 

After he described what was happening around them(mainly Jyn) for Chirrut, Baze did the only thing he could think of. He commed Cassian to have him come check out what was happening and to hopefully offer Jyn some extra support. He knew Andor was overprotective of Jyn and hoped he wouldn't go overboard with it. If he did little sister would be furious and hurt and they didn't need more problems, not when they just stopped acting like idiots.

His call to the captain started to seem like it was in vain now though. A short while after their call ended, Baze noticed Jyn had become more alert.

"Baze, what is happening with Jyn now?", Chirrut asked, wanting to make sure he was right about how the Force was moving around the two women.

"I thought you were one with the Force. Shouldn't you already know?", Baze gruffly responded, unable to pass up the opportunity to mess with his husband as it had long since become a tradition of his.

"And the Force is with me, yes. I just like your descriptions.", Chirrut bantered, more than used to Baze's actions.

"Jyn is no longer still like a statue. Both women are smiling and happy, like they are greeting an old friend they had never thought they would see againn", Baze said, happy to see his little sister smile again, and no longer nervous or worried. 

///////////////////////////////////////////////

Meanwhile, Jyn was stunned. She wasn't sure she knew or understood what, or rather who, she was seeing. She could not believe her own eyes. Objectively, she knew that she was supposed to be doing something, needed to do something, but she had no idea what that was for the life of her. All she could do was stare unmoving with a million conflicting, confusing thoughts, memories and emotions running through her head. She felt almostvthe same as she had when she saw her father's message, only slightly different. The other woman must be a ghost or she was hallucinating were the strongest contenders running through her mind. Both were shot down when the other shyly touched Jyn's arm and was solid. As soon as both women shook themselves out of their stupor, they said, simultaneously in the same timid, bewildered tone with incredulous smiles, "Jyn?"

"Maia?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to comment, ask questions, etc. I was thinking about writing a Final Fantasy Spirits Within AU. What do you think?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own.

Jyn and Maia just stood there for a moment smiling, happy to see one another after such a long time had passed. Jyn went into Maia's embrace at once despite not being an extremely tactile person with most other people. Jyn had missed her friend so much and had so many questions. So many that she could not contain all of the words that spilled out of her, "I... I thought you were dead. After... I woke up and Saw, he told me in no uncertain terms that you were dead, that you died because of your injuries. But you're here and alive. What happened? Tell me all about it. If you want to, I mean."

"Slow down. It's a bit of a long story. One I apparently don't even have all of the parts to. I'll explain as best I can. I also want to hear all about you too. Deal?", Maia said to her long lost friend.

"Deal. I have some friends sitting in a quieter spot, we could go over there for more privacy. If you want.", As Maia nodded her assent, Jyn and Maia headed to sit with Baze and Chirrut.

"Not at all. In fact, I would love to meet your friends.", Both smiled tentatively, still not sure that the other was not a mirage or a figment of their imagination, that they wouldn't vanish into thin air.

After intoductions were made, Maia proceeded to tell Jyn about what had happened with her. After their last mission together, where they were both injured badly, Maia had chosen to leave becuase Jyn was dead and she doubted the extremity and total violence with no mercy that Saw's ways had become. Her last memory before waking up was of Jyn's crumpled profusely bleeding body unmoving and barely breathing, and when she asked no one told her of Jyn's survival, they spoke only of her being gone. She could see what Saw was becoming and she could not stand by and watch any more people die because Saw no longer cared about the collateral damage whether it was to his people, Imperials or those who didn't fight. Jyn's supposed death forced Maia into action. She left praying that the ache she felt in her heart would lessen without constant reminders of her friend, her sister. She drifted for years before finally settling on Lothal.

Maia worked in a little restaurant where the owner and other employees were rebels and she joined their cell happily. They had disrupted the Empire in small ways at first before their actions grew bolder as time passed. With that though, they had to deal with the Imperials striking back at them more. Her group's opinion of joining the Alliance was pretty divided.

She was beginning to explain their reason for contacting the Alliance, when Cassian appeared. Baze didn't call him off even after Jyn turned out to be fine, better than fine actually. To an outside observer, he was nothing if not calm and collected. It was his eyes that gave him away almost imperceptibly even to his friends. He almost immediately sought out Jyn, anxious, and was relieved to see that she was okay. He was befuddled to see her smiling at a woman he did not know sitting with Baze and Chirrut. He was still contemplating when he arrived at the table and Jyn exclaimed, bemused, "Cassi... Captain? What are you doing here?"

"Well. I.. I came to see how you were.", Cassian stammered, worried he would upset Jyn and their relationship would further be ruined.

"So you didn't think I could handle it on my own?", Jyn snarled, eyes flashing.

"What? No! Of course not. I believe in you. I knew you could handle it. I was commed... You're messing with me, aren't you, Jyn?", Cassian proclaimed, defensive. 

"Yes I am. Sorry, I couldn't resist. You should have seen your face, I had you going there for a minute. It was hilarious. Baze told me he commed you.", Jyn laughed, the others joining her. "I'm sorry you had to come all this way."

"It was no problem. Who is your friend?", Cassian inquired, giving Jyn his twitch of a smile.

"Oh! Maia this is Captain Cassian Andor. Cassian this is Maia. We grew up together. She is our contact and was about to tell us about her leaders' reason for bringing us here. Would you care to join us?"

"Okay. Nice to meet you by the way.", Cassian replied, sitting right next to Jyn with next to no space between them.

"Likewise. As I was saying, we've recently suffered some heavy losses, but not everyone wanted to conatct you. Most don't know I'm here."

"Why don't they want us here?"

"I think they believe they will lose their independence if they join the Alliance. They only care about Lothal and refuse to see the bigger picture that is the entire galaxy. They are selfish and don't want to deal with the politics and suffering of others. Thankfully they are few in number. We were slammed and need help. We have lost a lot recently and haven't managed to catch a break since."

"What do you mean? What happened?", Cassian asked, wanting to know as a fellow rebel, intelligence officer and Jyn's friend.

"A sickness went through the city some time back and several of our people came down with it. Many of them did not get better. We lost so many, our number so few that we banded together with other small cells that also suffered casualties due to this illness. We saw no harm in it, we figured there was safety in numbers, but we're still having a lot of trouble.", Maia explained. 

"What kind?"

"The illness has been recurring in those who caught it. It isn't contagious anymore but it is still bad. We haven't been able to obtain the medicine to get rid of it fully, though legal or illegal means. We cannot buy enough of it and trying to steal it was a failure. We lost more people and needed even more medicine we couldn't get. We can't keep going on like this and still survive let alone live.", Maia said, sad and heartbroken over the needless loss of life.

"What about the others, the ones who wanted us to come?"

"Most want to stay and fight here. It is there home. They don't mind whatever way the Alliance would support, or guide us, as long as they get help and can continue the fight here. There are also those who will fight anywhere. They will be happy as long as they can stick it to the Empire in any way that they can. We arranged this meeting to obtain as much information as possible before their decision is made. If it was up to me we would sign up right here and now, but it isn't. I stepped down from being a temporary leader as soon as possible. I preferred to fight." They all continued to talk, discuss their options, and set up more meetings when they were interupted by Cassian's comm.

"Cassian, he have a problem.", Kay stated.

"What is it, Kay?"

"We caught chatter on Imperial channels. A raid for suspected rebels and anyone sheltering them is planned to start soon in that part of the city. It would be a good idea for you all to get out of there before it starts. Unless of course you wish to be injured, caught or dead, in which case feel free to stay where you are. What do I know, you could be fine. The probability is low that that would happen though.", Kay replied, using sarcasm and snark to cover up his worry.

"Don't worry. We're leaving now and will be back as soon as possible. Comm me with any updates.", Cassian informed Kay, to ease his friend's concerns. They all headed towards the ship(Maia included, because it was safer, her leader told her to stay away if she could and Jyn insisted anyway) to get away from any stormtroopers in the area and the raid until the coast was clear. As they got closer to the ship, still in the nicer part of the city where Cassian's meeting was, Bodhi contacted them. They would not be able to leave the planet for a while without arousing unwanted suspicion. Any ships attempting to leave during the raid would be flagged, boarded, investigated and otherwise harrased. Since that was trouble they neither wanted nor needed, and could be avoided, they got adjoining rooms at a nearby inn for the night.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Later on when it was their turn to be on watch, Jyn and Maia continued their conversation tgis time while everyone else slept.

"Jyn. I'm sorry."

"What? Why?"

"I should have known you were alive. I should have seen through their lies. I should have found you."

"It's okay. I don't blame you. They are the ones to blame."

"But..."

"No buts. Do you blame me? I believed what they told me too."

"No. I just want to know why they did it, you know?"

"Yeah, I do. For the longest time I needed to know why Saw deserted me, it was all I wanted at times, but getting the answer didn't help me like I thought it would. It didn't take pain away. All I know is that you're my sister and I missed you."

"I missed you too, little sis."

"We can't get the time that was stolen from us back, but we can treasure the time we've been given now."

"Wow. That was sweet. When did you become such a sap?", Maia laughed in fake mockery. "How is my little marshmallow?"

"Shut up."

"You love me and you know it."

"Nope. No I don't. Not at all."

"So you say but here I am. You're really protective now, way more than you were before."

"I guess so. I just don't want to lose anyone else. I couldn't lose another family. That used to mean I would push everyone away so that I wouldn't have a family to lose, after Saw left me. They forced their way in though and I wouldn't change a thing. I will fight with every single thing I have to protect the people I love, their my family.", Jyn replied, her voice soft yet firm.

"I'm glad you found them. I'm happy that I've gotten to see this side of you, for years when I thought of you I saw the angry girl by Saw's side who made the Partisans her family even though they weren't the best family one could have. I remembered the fighter more often than the girl behind the mask who deserved the best family in the galaxy, which you found on your own. I'm proud of you."

"Me too. I'm happy we got to grow up. I never thought I would, but it seems the Force has plans for me. I can't say I would change a thing about my life, everything that happened led me to this point. All is as the Force wills it."

"You believe now?"

"Yes. It took me years to, but I trust in the Force. I think my mother told me that so I would eventually when I needed faith."

"Having Guardians of the Whills as family probably helped."

"Probably. Now I am one with the Force and the Force is with me even when it's hard to deal with."

"So..."

"So what?"

"You and Andor?"

"What about me and Cassian?"

"What's the deal between you two?"

"Nothing. We're just friends."

"But you're in love with him, right?"

"Yes. I love him. He doesn't feel the same way. So I will be his friend and it will be enough. It has to be."

"Something tells me you don't quite believe that Jyn. Why do you think he doesn't feel the same?"

"It is what it is. He said so."

"He told you he wasn't in love with you?"

"Well, no. Not exactly."

"Okay, then what happened?"

Jyn checked to see that the others, Cassian especially, were still asleep before she replied whispering, "He was injured and we kissed. Then he said he saw me as a sister."

"He said that to your face after kissing you?"

"No. He said it to a friend of ours the next day. I just overheard him say it."

"What did you say to him about it?"

"Nothing. It hurt enough to overhear him say it, I didn't want him to say it to my face. I avoided him for a while but I hated doing it. We've acted like the kiss never happened at all. I love him and if the only way he wants me is as his friend I can deal with that. I would rather have my heart hurt by just being a friend than lose him altogether."

"I'm so sorry. I wish I hadn't brought it up."

"It's not your fault. I would have asked as well. How about you? Anyone you fancy?"

"No, there's no one."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I haven't really thought of it. I've had flings but that's about it. Never met anyone I could fall in love with."

"Oh. Uh... By the way how did you know?"

"Know what?"

"How did you know that I'm in love with Cassian?"

"You admitted it?"

"After you asked, yes. But how could you tell enough to ask?"

"The heart eyes you have when looking at him made it kind of obvious."

"I'm serious."

"I know. When he showed up you knew he was there immediately, like you have a sixth sense when it comes to him. You hold yourself differently when he is around. You let yourself be open and vulnerable with him, even though he kissed you and then said you were like a sister. You look at him like he is your favorite thing in the galaxy. You were nearly giving him googly heart eyes too, though."

"Dammit. I had hoped I wasn't pathetic."

"You aren't pathetic."

"Are you sure about that? Can we never mention that again? It was embarrassing enough once, and I don't want to disrupt any of my friendships because I lead myself on."

"Yes, I'm sure. My lips are sealed. I'll never mention it to you again unless you ask first.", Maia promised for Jyn, even through there were many things she wanted to say to her.

"Thank you."

"No problem. Thank you for disracting me."

"It was nothing. In fact it was nice to talk to another woman about things. Plus I know you're worried."

"I feel like I should be with them right now. They told me to stay away, but it doesn't feel right. They should have contacted me by now, that fact that they haven't worries me.", Maia replied, after a few minutes adding. "Thank you for not saying everything is going to be okay, I appreciate it."

Jyn only nodded, as there was nothing else she could say or do. Both women sat in a comfortable silence until it was no longer their turn to be on watch. They hoped that by morning they would have good news and that they could finish their objectives. Until then, Jyn and Maia let sleep take them into its midst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to comment or ask questions. I'm still considering writing a Final Fantasy Spirits Within AU for my next story. Any thoughts?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own. Sorry for the long wait for an update. The chapter has been done for a while, I just haven't been able to type I can't read in the dark and didn't want to turn on any lights with the ridiculous heat wave. Please enjoy. I promise I'll try to be quicker next chapter.

With morning came news, both good and bad. The good news was that a number of local rebels were able to flee the raid and managed to survive. The bad was that a majority had been unable to do the same and died at the hands of the Empire, though not without a fight taking as many stormtroopers down with them as they could. Those that were left, the survivors, decided to leave the city, and in some planet the planet, to continue their fight.

After contacting Draven and High Command, their orders were to return to Echo Base and Maia was allowed to accompany them as well. She would have to go through questioning and training once she was cleared, but everything looked promising. Cassian was sure it would all pass quickly and easily then Maia would be a member of the Rebel Alliance. He was overjoyed that Jyn was getting her friend back, she had lost so much and he felt she deserved all the happiness in the galaxy. Cassian wanted nothing more than for Jyn to be happy, with or without him by her side.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

As predicted, Maia passed her "tests" and training with flying colors. She was now one of the troops and had made more friends around base. Jyn smiled more, which unnerved some people while giving others hope. If one somewhat surly rebel(aka Jyn) could find and build a family during a war then so could anyone else. Now all they needed to happen was for Jyn and Cassian to get their shit together already(same goes for Princess Leia and Han Solo, not that anyone would say it, Princess Leia could be scary). Things had mostly returned to normal between Jyn and Cassian, he had noticed that her eyes loome sad when they spoke at times, but he did not know why or how to ask what was wrong. Sufficed to say he was not very happy with what was happening, he still didn't know what to do though. Other than that, Cassian hadn't noticed anything wrong or off with his relationship(it seemed the same as it was before his idiocy), so when Bodhi in a way cornered him alone in his room before dinner, he was suprised to say the least.

Cassian was unable to say anything before Bodhi exclaimed, "What is wrong with you?!"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, he says. You know what I mean."

"No, I dont."

"How could you do that to Jyn? Why would you do that to her? I thought you loved her."

" _Do what, Bodhi_? Wait, how did you know that?"

"It's **obvious** how you feel about Jyn to _everyone_. And dangle hope in front of her face only to rip it away. Not only once but you keep doing it too."

"I still don't understand what you're talking about."

"How could you kiss her and then tell someone that she was like a sister to you. One, it's a lie. Two, everyone knows it's obviously a lie, other than Jyn it seems. Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

"I've never kissed Jyn."

"Yes you have."

"Bodhi, I would remember kissing her, and I don't."

"Well obviously not. Unless you're calling my sister a liar."

"No of course not. She told you we kissed?"

"Not exactly. I overheard her."

"When and what did she say?"

"That night on Lothal, Jyn was talking to Maia and she said that you two had kissed after you were injured. Then she said that she overheard you say she was like a sister to you."

"She avoided me for weeks after my last injury. I can't remember kissing her and I can't remember what I said to piss her off either. I don't think it was the sister thing."

"My question is why would you say that when you're in love with her?"

"I was being stupid, okay. I know that. I've just been fighting for so long that when I realized that you all meant more to me than the Rebellion, I felt like I was betraying everything I believed in and everyone I lost. After everything I've done, I don't deserve any of this, not your guys' friendship not her love. She deserves to be happy, she deserves way better, way more than I could ever hope to give her. So I tried to push you all away, especially her."

"Did you ever stop to consider Jyn's feelings or thoughts on the matter? Did you ask her how she felt about you?"

"No. I figured she saw me as a friend, nothing more."

"Aren't you supposed to be smart?"

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"Yes I am. Jyn loves you, she's in love with you, she may not flat out say it but she does show it. She loves you so much that she told Maia she would accept being just your friend if that is how you wanted her to be in your life."

"She did?"

"Yeah."

"If she felt that way why not talk to me about it? She isn't exactly a shy person."

"Not when it comes to most things, no. When it comes to her heart, on the other hand, she is very cautious. She's been hurt so many times that she has had to become more protective over it. She's afraid she'll lose you becuase you don't feel the same. She doesn't know if your friendship would survive or suffer the rejection. She is scared that you will be yet another person to choose to leave her. You already put distance between you once, Jyn is terrified that you'll leave altogether if she says anything."

"I'm a kriffing idiot."

"Pretty much."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Fix it."

"Fix it, how?"

Bodhi was unable to reply, because right as he was about to speak Baze and Chirrut knocked on the door and let themselves in to Cassian's quarters with dinner. Chirrut began, "Ah, Bodhi. You are already here. May I presume you have begun to tell Cassian to fix his and Jyn's broken relationship?"

"Yes. He has no idea what to do, neither do I for that matter.", Bodhi said, the boost of confidence he had needed to confront Cassian beginning to wane as he contemplated what needed to be done.

"I need help.", Cassian admitted, begrudgingly.

"You could go down the traditional route and tell her you love her and would like to make babies with her."

"That might scare her off."

"Which part?"

"The babies part."

"Well then you can leave that part out and simply tell her that you love her."

"How do I do that when even now I can't get a moment alone with her? It would be best without an audience. By the way is it really obvious to everyone how I fell.

"Yes, Cassian, it is abundantly obvious to everyone that you are in love with Jyn, except Jyn. You will think of something. The Force will guide you."

"Thanks.", Cassian replied sarcastically.

"You are welcome."

"Ugh! Why am I such a kriffing moron? Please help me. I don't want to lose her. I know that I fucked up and I need to fix it. Any ideas on how to do that?"

The four men planned for a while before going their seperate ways. Bodhi went to play sabaac with some other pilots, Chirrut went to meditate, Baze followed him, and Cassian went to talk to Jyn, hoping she was alone.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Meanwhile, Jyn was not alone. She, Shara, Maia and Leia were also having dinner in their bunk. Maia had move in with Jyn and Shara after their other two roommates, the pilot and technician, were reassigned to Home One. Leia moved in because she found her old room, a private room, to be lonely and depressing. They were engaged in the time-honored tradition of teasing one another about their respective crushes.

"So, Shara...."

"What Princess?"

"I thought I told you to call me Leia in private."

"You did. If you don't want me to call you Princess then you shouldn't use that mischievous tone with me. I give as good as I get. So, what do you want?"

"Oh nothing. Just to ask how things are going with your pathfinder."

"Ooh. What pathfinder Shara? Whose your boy?", Jyn laughed, eyes twinkling.

"He isn't my pathfinder and nothing is going on.", Shara replied defensively.

"Which means the exact opposite of course.", Maia interjected playfully.

"Of course. Let me guess who the lucky guys is.", Jyn mock pondered. "Hmmm, would it be Kes Dameron?"

"Yes it is Jyn and it took only one guess. For that you get.... Shara's cookie.", Leia declared smiling trying to steal Shara's dessert cookie.

"Hey! My cookie."

"It would be easier for all of us if you would just admit it."

"Fine. Just know that payback's a bitch. Things are going well between us. We've been keeping it quiet so that the council and military leadership won't hassle us with their disapproval."

"That's good."

"How about you, Leia?"

"Oh. I have nothing going on with Dameron."

"Haha. Don't be cute. What's happening between you and Solo?"

"Me and that nerf-herder? Don't make me laugh. I want nothing to do with him."

"Really? Then why yell at him all the time? Why yell louder when he says he's leaving?"

"He's infuriating and an idiot. He needs to be yelled at. He's an asset to the Rebellion and it would be a shame to lose him."

"If that's your story."

"Excuse me?"

"It's obviously more than just that, but if you want to be in denial, that's up to you."

"I'm not in denial. If anyone is in denial about their feelings, it's Jyn."

"Hey! What did I do to you?"

"You're here so you're involved."

"Ugh. How am I in denial? I have nothing going on with Kes or Han."

"You and Cassian have feelings for each other, but aren't together or doing anything about it. So I assume you must not be accepting that you're in love with him."

"She has accepted that though.", Maia piped in.

"What?", Leia asked confused.

"I know and fully accept that I love and am in love with Cassian. He is the one who doesn't feel the same."

"That's ridiculous. You can't actually believe that."

"It's true, Leia. Just ask Shara what he said to her about me."

"I didn't know you knew what he said. He told me he saw her as a sister, but I didn't and still don't believe he actually meant it. Cassian was trying to lie to himself and everyone else."

"Why do you say that? Why would he do that?"

Shara was unable to respond, because at that moment a knock came at the door accompanied by, "Jyn, are you here? I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Shit! What do we do?", All four whisper-yelled. Then Leia told the other, "Quick, hide in the fresher."

"Why?", Shara asked, Maia already in the fresher.

"So they can have some privacy obviously."

"Why not just leave altogether then?"

"So that we're here if Jyn needs us."

"Oh. Okay."

Cassian knocked again imploring, "Jyn. I know you're in there, I couldn't find you anywhere else. I need to talk to you. Please let me in."

"Uh...sure. Let me get the door.", Jyn called back as her friends hid in their fresher. She was touched and exasperated by their actions. Once Cassian was inside the room, she continued with, "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well...it's.....it's about...."

"Yes, Cassian?"

Taking a deep breath, he blurted out, "We kissed."

"Yes, I know I was there. Why do you want to talk about it now? I figured you didn't want to talk about it."

"You misunderstood me. I know that we kissed, but I don't remember it."

"I'm not sure I understand Cassian. Why are we talking about this."

"I don't remember kissing you, but now that I know about it I don't want it to affect our friendship. The last thing I want is to give you the wrong impression or for you to think I was leading you on, taking advantage of you or trying to hurt you. I just..."

"I get it. It was a mistake it won't happen again.", Jyn cut him off.

"Jyn."

"Please don't Cassian. I understand, really I do. I'm sorry I acted weird. I know how you feel about me, I was confused before. Can we stop talking about it now?", Jyn asked rhetorically, hoping couldn't tell that she was barely holding back tears from his rejection. "If you don't mind, I'm kind of tired and want to go to sleep. Goodnight Cassian."

With that Jyn kicked Cassian out of her bunk and decided to curl up in a ball as small as she could make it on her bed.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Cassian left as confused as ever. He didn't understand what he had said or done wrong. He hadn't been able to finish telling Jyn he was sorry for what he said to Shara and that he loved her and never should have tried to lock it away. Jyn was upset amd jad cut him off and kicked him out before he could make things right and he had no clue what he had done to cause her pain this time around. He felt stupid again for not knowing or realizing. He knew he couldn't ask Bodhi, Baze or Chirrut what they thought because they would probably be pissed that he managed to hurt their little sister again after he promised he wouldn't. Kay may or may not be able to help him, he didn't always understand humans and their complexity either, so he might not understand Jyn's behavior. He could try asking his other friends, like Melshi, Tonc, Sefla oe Kes, but there was no guarantee that they would be able to help him, that they would understand female behavior either. He couldn't wrap his head around why Jyn threw him out when she supposedly loved him according to Bodhi. Women were so confusing, he was in desperate need of assistance.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jyn was utterly heartbroken. Cassian's words, though not said in cruelty, ran in a continuous loop in her head crushing her hopes over and over again. What little hope that remained that Cassian might one day love her back even a fraction of how she loved him was now gone. All she wanted now was to disappear into sleep's embrace, but she knew her friends wouldn't let her bottle away the pain she felt.

"Jyn. Jyn, I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault Maia.", _it's mine for still having hope_ , Jyn thought but didn't add. 

"I could make it to where he has only terrible assignments.", Leia offered, mad at her friend for hurting her other friend.

"No. Please don't. He doesn't deserve that because he isn't in love with me."

"Are you sure? I **will** do it if you want me to."

Thank you for the offer. I'm sure. It's probably for the best anyway. Almost everyone I love and who love me in return end up dead. I'm cursed. Mama, Papa, Saw...", Jyn trailed off finally letting her tears run free down her face. She added in whispering, uselessly hoping the others wouldn't hear, "Hadder, Akshaya."

"You aren't cursed. We love you, as do many others. It's Andor's loss. Who are Hadder and Akshaya?"

"Love you too. Nobody."

"If that were true you never would have said their names. We're here if you want to talk."

"I don't know."

"It might help to talk about it, but know that you don't have to. You can talk about anything you want to if you want to."

"Thanks. I might need a couple of minutes."

"Take all the time you need, all the time you want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. As always feel free to comment.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own. Sorry for the wait, thank you for your patience and for reading. I hope you enjoy.

After taking a moment to gather herself, Jyn began, "You know that one of my former aliases was Tanith Ponta, right?"

At their nods, she continued, "Well, I didn't create that one. Tanith was a real person once. She was a pilot from Skuhl and had a mother, Akshaya, and a brother, Hadder. After Saw left me, I was angry, confused and betrayed. I drifted around aimlessly for months before I met Akshaya. I wanted to get off the planet I was on and she offered me a job on her freighter in exchange for passage. I lied and said I could do the job because I wanted to leave so bad. I didn't know how to do any droid repairs back then sufficed to say I've since learned a bit. The Empire stopped us for a random inspection and I took a datapad and used it to forge documents stating that her license or permit was up to date and all. We were able to get away easily and without being boarded at all after that. Since I did that she wasn't too mad about me lying about being able to fix the droid. She took me in and offered me a place in her home and was very kind to me. At that point Tanith, the real one, had been dead for ten years. Akshaya looked passed my rough edges and accepted me and tried to nurture me, she looked at me and saw something in me worth...worth loving, I guess. She never treated me like I was a replacement or anything. It was like having a mom again, I loved her. She's gone now, they both are."

"Hadder, he was my age. I don't think I've ever known anyone else who was quite like him. He was the first, and only other person other than Cassian, that I've loved that way. Before we met, more than anything his biggest dream was to be able to fly. He didn't care what, just as long as he could fly. Of course it was the one thing that Akshaya said he could not do. She said he could do anything he wanted except that. We became friends pretty quickly. It didn't take long for it to become more than that, when he finally told me how he felt, and asked how I felt, he asked if I would come with him. Skuhl was supposed to be a neutral planet but there were people who hated the Empire and supported the Alliance. Hadder had planned on leaving with a group of people joining the Alliance. He was going to fly, to leave the planet for the first time and fly, but he didn't. He stayed for me, he decided to stay because of me. I didn't want the cause to take him from me, I didn't want it to take anyone else from me ever again. He chose me, told me I was more important to him. He would be alive if not for me, if I hadn't convinced him to stay.", Jyn said, still hating herself for what she felt was her fault.

"What happened?", Leia asked, knowing any attempts at comfort would be rejected at that point.

"One day Imperials came looking for me. I don't know how they knew where I was. We weren't all together when the showed up, but we had a plan to meet up made if we were seperated. They took their ship _Ponta One_ and I took the hopper. They were preparing to leave the atmosphere when...when they were blown out of the sky. They never stood a chance, never saw it coming. They were shown no mercy. They died because they loved me and refused to give me up. It's my fault they're dead. I loved them and they died for me. I must be cursed by the Force or something. The people I love keep dying, it must be because of me.", came Jyn's response, her mind stuck in the remembrance of the traumatic past.

Maia jumped in vehemently insisting, hating her friend's pain and misplaced guilt, "Hey! Hey... No Jyn, it wasn't your fault. You aren't cursed by the Force. I know it must feel that way after everyone you lost, but it isn't true. People you have loved died, yes, but it wasn't because of you. It was the Empire who killed them not you. We're here, we love you and none of us are going anywhere. I won't promise we won't die, I can't promise that. What I can promise is that we aren't leaving you by choice, or without one hell of a fight, right?"

"Damn straight.", Leia agreed.

"Of course.", Shara stated. "I'm so sorry that happened to you. We all know that doesn't always mean much. Jyn, I...uh...I know you may not want to hear it right now, but I think you need to talk to Cassian."

"Why Shara? You heard him. He made it clear how he felt."

"But he didn't. Not really."

"You heard what he said. How was saying that he didn't want it to affect our friendship, lead me on or hurt me anything but a rejection? How could his words be misconstrued?"

"Hear me out. Cassian is generally a smart guy, unless it has to do with feelings or emotions. He can be stupid when it comes to them. He probably thinks that you aren't in love with him."

"How? According to everyone I'm obvious about my feelings. If so, how can he _not_ see it?"

"His best friend is a reprogrammed droid."

"Hey! Don't blame Kay. It isn't his fault his reprogrammer seems to have the emotional range of a teaspoon."

"Okay. But seriously Jyn, try talking to him. He didn't finish what he was try to say before you shooed him from the room. At least think about it."

"I'll think about it. I'm not promising anything. I might need some time unless I want to fall apart on him too, which I don't."

"You won't. You're one of the strongest people I know."

"Thanks. It doesn't always feel that way though, at least not recently."

"That's what family and friends are for. To be strong when you need it and to remind you that you're strong too."

Jyn worn out from the tears, the jaunt in her past, and some sleeplessness fell asleep almost immediately. The others followed not long after.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

It was drizzling, and Jyn was outside. She wasn't immediately sure where exactly she was, the place felt familiar and foreign simultaneously. She wandered, searching for something she knew in complete silence, no sounds coming from anywhere or anything. She was so tired, from all the pain, of all the pain, the ache in her chest near constant. Once she realized where she was, Jyn stilled, sound suddenly rushing back deafening. The scene wasn't how she normally saw, normally remembered it. She wasn't a child and her mother didn't say anything just looked at her heartbroken. No matter what Jyn tried she would not stay behind, in her eyes an apology, as if to tell Jyn that Lyra was sorry she wasn't enough to stop her from marching straight into Death's arms.

As Jyn was still futilely trying to change the outcome even if it was just a dream, her surroundings changed. Gone was the black soil and dark clouds of Lah'mu in their place was the Ponta's home on Skuhl. Hadder and Akshaya were there but instead of welcoming her as they once had their eyes and countenance seemed to ask her why they had to die, why she got to live when they didn't. Every ghost of her past appeared encircling her demanding to know why she was alive when they weren't, demanding to know why she wouldn't join them. Their blame suffocated her, everyone left, everyone died because of her, she was the problem, she wasn't good enough, it would inevitably happen again. Every single insecurity Jyn had ever had came roaring back to her, racing through her head and suddenly she was once again all alone. 

Scarif's beach was littered with so many bodies even ones that had no business being there. She could see her friends and family lying there lifeless. She wanted to scream in despair but nothing would come out. She had failed them all, she must have failed them all. Panic, confusion, and a million of thoughts and emotions ran through her making it even more difficult to breathe as everything was encompassed by blinding light. Jyn was burning and she still couldn't take a breath, each moment getting worse until.....nothing but a faint light in the darkness and the almost blistering cold.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

No blinding white lights, no burning heat, she was awake and safe on Hoth. Drenched in cold sweat, Jyn forced herself not to cry out as she stopped hyperventilating and got her lungs back under her own control. She didn't want to disturb her friends and be a burden to them. She hated the dreams, the nightmares that still refused to leave her be. For a time they had lessened, though never leaving her completely. Now, now they were back to almost every night again. Only it was even worse than before and she couldn't quite check on everyone without them knowing she couldn't sleep again. She didn't want them to think she was helpless or weak. She also didn't want the rest of them to know about Cassian's rejection. Jyn hoped the others could not see how miserable and hurt she was, as she did not want sides to be chosen. Cassian didn't deserve that, it wasn't his fault he didn't love her back the way she loved him. Her love for him now had to become a complete secret, at least from him. Jyn had lost too many people to lose Cassian to her stupidity, her mistake, to unrequited love.

She didn't feel like doing any of the leftover repairs she had been doing when things had gotten too bad so she decided to test her luck and go back to sleep if at all possible. Hopefully she could get enough sleep so that she wouldn't look or feel like a zombie later on. She had to convince everyone that she was just fine, maintain all of her relationships as well as work to do so she had to have some semblance of control. Though it did help that Cassian, Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut and some of her other friends were all off of Echo Base on missions. It gave her time to lie and try to convince herself that she was perfectly okay and nothing was wrong.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Cassian was on a mission. He was thinking about mission related things. He was absolutely not preoccupied with thoughts of Jyn Erso. He did _not_ miss her, Kaytoo, Bodhi, Baze or Chirrut. He was perfectly fine having left Jyn and Kay behind on Hoth, as well as having the others on a seperate mission than him. Perfectly fine.... Who was he kidding, it sucked. Melshi, Dameron and the other guys with them were good company, good soldiers and all, but Cassian desperately missed his team. He was trying not to wallow in his own misery when Melshi called out to him, "Hey Captain, permission to ask a question?"

"Go ahead."

"Okay. What's the deal between you and Sergeant Erso?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what happened between you two? She was awkward around you before we left."

Cassian was delayed in his response by Kes Dameron throwing in, "Again. She was awkward around him again."

"Nothing happened."

"Really? I don't buy that."

"We...we got into a...a... I don't know what it was. It wasn't a fight or an argument, it just was."

"Was what, Andor?"

"A talk. One that was weird and didn't go well."

"What was it about?"

"I went to apologize and try to talk to her about something and she pretty much threw me out before I could say most of what I had planned."

"Why?"

"I have no clue."

"Well what were you apologizing for?"

"Kissing her.", Cassian mumbled barely audible, embarrassed by the talk and how open he had become since meeting Jyn.

Melshi and Kes glanced at one another and Melshi asked, "What did you say? We couldn't hear you."

"I went to apologize for kissing her and not remembering it."

"Oh..."

"Yeah."

"Okay. What did you want to talk to her about?"

"Do I have to answer?"

"Yes.", they said in unison.

"I was going to tell Jyn how I felt about her and ask and see if she felt the same about me, but I never got that far. She became upset and told me to go away."

"I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but what exactly did you say before she got upset and kicked you out of the room? You were in a room right? Private, not out in the open?"

"Of course it was in private. I'm not an idiot. We were in her room alone.", Cassian glared at Kes, then proceeded to tell the pair exactly what he had said to Jyn before she kicked him out of her room. Both men sat in stunned silence until Cassian interrupted, blurting out, "Well? Why aren't you two saying anything? You wouldn't shut the kriff up before."

"Jyn wasn't mad, that wasn't why she made you go away, she was sad, heartbroken."

"What? Why?"

"You rejected her. Or at least, she _thought_ you did."

"I did not reject her!"

"To her it probably sounded like it."

"How did it sound like I rejected her?"

"You were almost giving her the _it's not you, it's me_ speech or the _I just want to be friends_ speech, which are both bantha shit."

"I did not. I was trying to tell her that I...."

"That you love her?"

"Don't look so shocked Andor. It's obvious to everyone. It's been obvious to me since you disobeyed orders for her."

"Everyone but her apparently."

"You need to tell her how you feel before she moves on thinking there's no hope for the two of you."

"And how am I supposed to go about doing that?"

"Don't look at me, I have even less of a clue than you do."

"You could be extremely blunt about it. Erso'll probably appreciate that."

"Blunt?"

"Yeah blunt. Just go up to her and tell her that you are in love with her and want to be with her. That way nothing you say can be misinterpreted and the Princess might stop punishing you and consequently us as well."

"Huh?"

"You can't tell me that you haven't noticed. He hasn't noticed. What is wrong with him?"

"Noticed what? Why do you think I'm being punished?"

"You keep getting the worst assignments. Not morally grey ones, just plain old bad ones. The planets make Hoth look like paradise."

"Stop exaggerating. I'm not being punished by Leia, I'm just doing my job. I agreed to take these missions and planets a while ago."

"Why?"

"Because they needed to be done and at the time , I was trying to fool myself plus I figured no one else would take them because of what you're saying."

"Ah."

"Mmhmn."

"Ugh. You're ridiculous."

"Thank you.", Cassian said dryly.

"Fix it anyway, and quickly too please."

"Stop being bossy, Dameron. And don't worry, it's going to be one of the first things I do once we get back to Echo Base." All three men let the conversation die off as they got nearer and nearer to Hoth through hyperspace as time passed. Cassian lightly dozed while Melshi and Kes played a round of sabaac.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Once they landed back on Hoth, Cassian noticed added tension in the air of first the hangar bay then around the rest of the base as well. As he headed to find Jyn to grovel, he couldn't help but to try and find out what was going on, what all of the tension was about(he was kind of curious, it was the spy side of him). Stopping a passing rebel, he asked, "What's going on? Why is everyone extra tense around here?"

"We...uh... We lost contact with someone out on a routine patrol outside abruptly. More people were sent out to search, we just hope it's nothing bad, that it's just a fault in the comm that can be fixed, sir.", the rebel technician replied. "And that they all get back safely before the temperature drops."

With a sense of dread, Cassian forced the words out, "Who is missing?"

Cassian's heart plummeted when he heard the tech respond, "Sergeant Erso, sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment or ask questions. As always they will be welcome as will constructive criticism.
> 
> Also I have a couple of ideas for my next story, they are as follows:  
> Stargate SG-1 AU,  
> AU where Saw abandons Jyn earlier and she is found by the Alliance,  
> or  
> Final Fantasy Spirits Within AU.


	12. Chapter 12

Hi. I'm sorry for the amount of time that has passed since I posted an actual chapter. I promise I am not giving up on this work. I am a HUGE Linkin Park fan and when I found out about Chester I was writing the next chapter. At the time I couldn't find any thoughts or ideas to continue without making this story really dark and sad. I didn't want that, so I set my notebook aside for a time. I've picked it back up and hope to give you an actual chapter as soon as I can. Thank you.


End file.
